However, the main reason behind this entry is that I want to discuss a topic that has been playing on my mind lately. I wanted to write this probably more for myself but I think that it is something that everyone should think about in regard to their own life.
I have recently started to get back into reading again. I never seem to have the time or inclination to start a new book these days, but being such a huge fan of Derren Brown, I have started his latest book Confessions of a Conjuror. Although I am still reading the book, one chapter so far has really resonated with me. It involves the subject of kindness.
After sharing rather a humorous anecdote involving Hugh Grant, which had me trying desperately hard not to laugh in a train carriage of solemn passengers, Derren acknowledges that during the events of this story he had missed one simple point; that we all gravitate to people with similar character traits to ourselves which then can typically be boiled down to one main quality, an attribute that is 'a pleasure to foster and the greatest pleasure for others to feel in us'. He says that it is the quality missed by generations of self-help books, the most valuable element of character which is most likely to win us friends and influence people.
'The single most valuable human trait, the one quality every schoolchild and adult should be taught to nurture, is, quite simply, kindness.
Kindness. If you prefer compassion. Even benevolence. It is the quality that makes people lovely.'
In an age of self-help books, courses, you name it, Derren is right - all those mantras could be 'swept away' and replaced with the one single sentence 'just be nice'.
Now you may be thinking that this is all very well and good, but how is this really that important? To me, it was Derren's following point that really made me think.
'There are those who are undoubtedly lovely, but lovely to the point of flaccid, vapid futility. They have developed their own wearying addiction to selflessness; cannot themselves receive; feed off the broken; and perhaps even live through a string of abusive relationships as they attract those who exploit them. There are those damaged souls who live out an ostentatious display of masquerading kindness born only from desperate, toxic neediness. Balance is all.'
I generally like to think I am a kind person, perhaps even bordering on the realm of being a pushover (although I don't like to believe this to be the case), but thinking about this paragraph really made me think about events in the past, how I had coped in certain situations and came to realise that whilst I hadn't suffered abusive relationships or hopefully not fed off 'the broken', in the past I haven't always attached myself to the most worthy of people. In the last year or so this definitely has changed and hopefully I am a stronger person for it. Balance is all? Yes it really is. Balancing work and leisure, family and friends - it all seems to be getting so much harder, But in terms of kindness, I would like to think that it is better to be too nice than not nice enough.
I have been called 'lovely' and 'kind' on more than one occasion, in fact just last week during the interval of Derren's Svengali show, whilst in the ladies' queue, a couple of girls ahead of me were discussing how they would go about writing on a sheet of paper as requested of the audience, discussing whether lipstick or eyeliner would be more suitable for the task in hand. Without even thinking I offered them a pen, and in response was called 'a really good person'. This really took me a back - is it really that rare for people to show common courtesy to others that this simple act led to such praise? Perhaps it was only said in passing and just another generic response, such as always saying 'I'm fine/good' to 'how are you?, or 'that's interesting/nice'.
Thinking about this later whilst driving, I realised how different the attitude of a person driving can be to the attitude of that same person on the street. How often do you pull over to allow an oncoming car to pass you whilst driving down a road lined with cars, and receive a 'thank you' gesture from the driver? Quite often. Now think of the same scenario but on foot, how often do you receive a thank you from someone you move out of the way for on the pavement? Not nearly as frequently. I can only come to the conclusion that manners (which are linked to kindness by way of considering others) are taught in driving lessons which are mandatory but not in general life.
Derren ends the chapter by discussing kindness towards other people, suggesting that if we lower our expectations of others, judging people to ludicrously high standards, expecting them to know and understand our desires, we are always going to end up disappointed. We must always remember to keep realistic ideas about our impact upon others, and be aware of 'our tendency to cast them as cameo roles in the fascinating epic of our own lives. This in turn reminds us of the elusively obvious fact that those we meet are already leading lives as complicated as our own'.
Kindness. It is something we all should consider. Each of us has an impact upon the lives of others, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and whilst you shouldn't let this overshadow every choice you make in life, it is something to always consider - taking a few minutes or even seconds out of your day might mean the world to someone else and brighten up their day in turn.
I will continue to read Derren's book Confessions of a Conjuror with eager anticipation. Whilst I write hear with passion about Derren's words and thoughts, so too does he in this book concerning his own idols and his own experiences which make him seem just as normal and self-critical as the average reader. I think it is safe to assume that Derren is a kind and thoughtful person that anyone would gravitate towards, owning those same qualities that he decides are desirable within the best of people.
'Each of us is leading a difficult life, and when we meet people we are seeing only a tiny part of the thinnest veneer of their complex, troubled existences. To practise anything other than kindness towards them, to treat them in any other way save generously, is to quietly deny their humanity'. Derren Brown
For more information about Confessions of a Conjuror, please click here
Caroline